late night ramblings

So, I dont know why I decided I needed to start a blog, but I guess just to vent, and share the silly things in my head.  It's up to you to read...LOL.  I understand if you choose not too.  But a little background on me.  I am 30.  I have an almost 4 year old son.  His father and I are no longer together and he has a much much younger girlfriend he shares an apartment with.  She is a nice girl.  I have my son only 50% of the time which is a very difficult thing to do.  And I miss his dad.  Not as my lover or boyfriend, but as my friend.  Now almost every encounter we have is awkward or angry.  Its a hard thing.  I feel like I try very very very hard to be the bigger person and try to be nice, and try to be a friend as we said we always will.  I have invited he and his girlfriend to dinner along with mine....but no.  I am currently unemployed and searching like madwoman for a job.

Right now I am at my boyfriend's house.  I have not been with him long, but I know I will marry him.  I know he is the man the for me.  And I know I am the woman for him....

We have had the cohabitation talk...a few times.  I feel I should not move in until I have a job and can contribute...even though I am really really struggling in my big house by myself...I don't want that to be the reason.  And I don't know how long it will take me to get a job...I am worried he will resent me after a time.  Obviously, taking care of a house and keeping it immaculate the way he likes, is a job, as well as raising a pre schooler half the week,  I am just worried he won't see it that way and begin to resent me.  I read somewhere that something like 80% of couples are arguments are over money.  I dont want that to be us....
And I am nervous.  I am worried to miss out on my special cub and mama time.  I love having my alone time with Lyall and I worried how it will affect him, going from a house with a yard where he can swing on the swing set and riding bikes, to an apartment until April.  I love my special alone time with my cub.  But he does love Jason.  He really does.  And I know Jason will ride bikes with us :-)  But it is a difficult thing to decide on.  I always said I wouldnt move in with another guy until a ring is on my finger...but I am not trying to rush that either.  Even thought I know I will be a Keyston.  I already have two Team Keyston shirts (fun surprise for him :-) )

Anyway...so my late night ramblings...stress about money.  rent is due...no job yet...no dollars.  and when i say no dollars...i mean no dollars.  But i know..this too shall pass.  And something great is waiting for me.  And in the meantime, and always, I have an amazing little cub in my life,
 and a man who adores me and reminds me every day.  More to come...I promise more creative and funny juicy stuff ;-)