Tuesday, June 26, 2012

That one awkward time....oh yeah...that was sunday

So....everyone knows...I am a "half time" mom (and I hate it...hate it).  I share 50/50 custody plan with his father.  We used to get along great.  We also have a lot of mutual friends.
Sunday, two of our mutual friends got married.  And both of us were invited...separately.  Every other sunday after 10 is "his" time with our cub. 

I arrived and found seats, near some friends from high school with my lovely boyfriend.  My son's father and girlfriend showed up along with my cub.  My cub saw me and the smile that lit up his face was priceless.  He ran to me and hugged me, "mama!" he said....man I love those special smiles just for me.

At that point there was no choice as to where they were going to sit....the cub wanted to be with me and his father obviously was not going to move....can we say awkward!

Chris and Jason were introduced...as was his girlfriend...I don't know why she can't smile...

The ceremony was beautiful.  The cub sat on my lap as I whispered in his the ear the special things that were happening....then the ceremony ended.
My cub was taken by the hand by his father and led away.  Was not allowed to say "bye mama" or anything.  During the reception it was hard not to pay attention to what they were doing.  Other kids were dancing with their parents, or grandparents...having a grand old time.  My cub was seated at his table with his father and his significant other, and given a cell phone to play with.  No dancing for him.

Finally, I texted his dad and asked...."can I have a dance with Lyall?"  No response.  So I walked up and said, "may I please dance with our son?"  I was told, I could have one dance and to make it quick because they were leaving.  I walked up to my cub and asked him if he wanted to dance.  He jumped right into my arms and we had a great dance.  He wanted to keep dancing but it was time for him to go back to daddy.  He was told to give me a hug and a kiss and then they left.

The whole event hurt.  There were a few times his father and I bumped into each other...but no words, smiles or friendly looks were exchanged.  I even complimented his girlfriend's shoes  (and it was a genuine compliment they were really cute!!), only to be ignored.  It killed me to watch my son not being talked too...or danced with or any sort of stimulation other than a smart phone.  I would have gladly taken the cub and sat with him and Jason.  Played and danced and laughed.

But, this is reality.  Or...my reality.  My dreams of the whole Bruce, Demi and Ashton way of life just aren't going to happen.  And this was probably the hardest, because it was the first event we had to do this way.  We are two different people, who parent two different ways....and I have to learn that it has to be ok.  And I have to continue to keep the smile on my face for my cub.  Because he will grow up and remember that his mum was always classy....or atleast tried.  C'mon...it's me people. 

I love my son.  He is my entire world.  The way his face lights up, lights my life.  And even if I can't have what I want, I can try to give him the most "normal" childhood possible, and let him be a kid as long as he can be a kid.  I don't want him tangled up in all of this, and I hope that both his father and I do a good enough job of masking our ouchie feelings.  And no matter what, I will always love his father...because without him I would never have our cub....I really do miss what good friends we once were. 

Maybe we will get there in time.  We have a life time of more events, games, concerts, graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren.  But the wait is hard. 

And boy do I miss not having my cub every day.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

late night ramblings

So, I dont know why I decided I needed to start a blog, but I guess just to vent, and share the silly things in my head.  It's up to you to read...LOL.  I understand if you choose not too.  But a little background on me.  I am 30.  I have an almost 4 year old son.  His father and I are no longer together and he has a much much younger girlfriend he shares an apartment with.  She is a nice girl.  I have my son only 50% of the time which is a very difficult thing to do.  And I miss his dad.  Not as my lover or boyfriend, but as my friend.  Now almost every encounter we have is awkward or angry.  Its a hard thing.  I feel like I try very very very hard to be the bigger person and try to be nice, and try to be a friend as we said we always will.  I have invited he and his girlfriend to dinner along with mine....but no.  I am currently unemployed and searching like madwoman for a job.

Right now I am at my boyfriend's house.  I have not been with him long, but I know I will marry him.  I know he is the man the for me.  And I know I am the woman for him....

We have had the cohabitation talk...a few times.  I feel I should not move in until I have a job and can contribute...even though I am really really struggling in my big house by myself...I don't want that to be the reason.  And I don't know how long it will take me to get a job...I am worried he will resent me after a time.  Obviously, taking care of a house and keeping it immaculate the way he likes, is a job, as well as raising a pre schooler half the week,  I am just worried he won't see it that way and begin to resent me.  I read somewhere that something like 80% of couples are arguments are over money.  I dont want that to be us....
And I am nervous.  I am worried to miss out on my special cub and mama time.  I love having my alone time with Lyall and I worried how it will affect him, going from a house with a yard where he can swing on the swing set and riding bikes, to an apartment until April.  I love my special alone time with my cub.  But he does love Jason.  He really does.  And I know Jason will ride bikes with us :-)  But it is a difficult thing to decide on.  I always said I wouldnt move in with another guy until a ring is on my finger...but I am not trying to rush that either.  Even thought I know I will be a Keyston.  I already have two Team Keyston shirts (fun surprise for him :-) )

Anyway...so my late night ramblings...stress about money.  rent is due...no job yet...no dollars.  and when i say no dollars...i mean no dollars.  But i know..this too shall pass.  And something great is waiting for me.  And in the meantime, and always, I have an amazing little cub in my life,
 and a man who adores me and reminds me every day.  More to come...I promise more creative and funny juicy stuff ;-)